I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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