Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
