Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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