Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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