i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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