Tell her she can't have a vagina
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
