dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
And then he peed in my hair
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