one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
