His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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