why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
