I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
