when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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