I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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