Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
