Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
