Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
