She's JV to your varsity
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
