I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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