Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
