omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
