Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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