how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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