My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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