His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
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it's like heaven, but drunker
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
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I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.