after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
