Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
