well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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