If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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