is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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