dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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