what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
