I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
