What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
this just has baby written all over it
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
