I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
