I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You pole danced in your parka.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
