I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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