I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
