My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Alive.
So much puke
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
