I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
