she woke up with a sticky ear
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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