Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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