he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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