why do cheetos always look like penises
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
