when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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