If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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