There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
