clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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