Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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