At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
