Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
