No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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