I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
