i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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