do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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