I hate your face
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
