If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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