That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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